As the new year approaches and as most of you around me dream of new resolutions and accomplishments I wait impatiently for some closure in this painful journey I am in. You raise your glass of champagne with hope and I raise mine in disbelieve that there is really nothing to be done- I am loosing the child I have wished for for so long. I enter the new year anxious about giving birth... I think every first time mother worries about the birth process. My anxiety then increases as I ask many questions I don't have the answers to. Heath and I briefly discussed weather we would like to see baby Harlow and to hold her. He seems to think it is best that we don't look at her so that we can have that beautiful image of our little angel in our heads... I, as her mother can't imagine not holding her in my arms, even if only for a second...What kind of mother would I be to let my child to die alone or in the arms of a nurse she has never seen or felt before?? My little girl has given me the pleasure of the tingles in my tummy... She is my baby and I am eager to hold her... I still catch myself, in the silence of my room, staring at my growing belly. I rub my hands against it and for a quick second I imagine Harlow in her little pink outfits! In my phone book is "Jody-funeral home"... I then realize the reality I am faced with as I enter 2012 is far less romantic than what I ever hoped or wished for. I enter the New Year praying for strength to face what will probably be one of the hardest things I have ever faced or will ever face, and also for forgiveness and understanding that some things in life are beyond our human control.
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