To Harlow, my angel...

“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering”. ~Paulo Coelho

To Harlow, my angel...

"Waiting for you has been a journey of emotions. It has been very painful because I am hunted by the thought I won’t get to hold you forever or to watch you grow. Forgetting about you it is not an option-You are my child.

I have been learning so much about life and about myself through this painful process. As much as I want it all over, I am scared to let you go… As long as you are in my tummy, I know you are safe, loved and ALIVE!! You are the child I waited for… I longed for… and now every hour awake of my day I am faced with the thought you are not going to be with me. I still love you unconditionally, regardless to the outcome, my baby. Your father is an amazing man and he wants you to know he loves you very much as well. He, like mommy, has dreamed of having a little one. His eyes filled with honest sadness and tears in a way I have never seen before, when he took photographs of you in my belly.

While most new moms are all worried with what to pack in their hospital bags, what to wear, organizing the house, husband’s meals, toddlers baby-sitter… All I can think of is how long will I have with you. How long will I have to hold you? I have been praying for your lungs to be strong enough to hold on for a few hours or minutes or whatever time I can get with you.

You will not get to see very much of this world- and in a way that is ok… You will never get to see fighting, wars, unfairness, human hate… you will never get to see what violence is, guns, unfairness, jealousy… Instead you will be in a much more beautiful place. I have never been to heaven but I trust in God and I know He would never want you suffering up there.

Many people tell me they understand what I am going through and that it all happens for a reason- they are probably right but as for right now, I don’t even fathom or bare this feelings of having to let you go. I go to support web sites in hope of finding answers… and instead I find “Chris, our angel now in heaven, 3lbs 2oz, lived 2hours…”- memorials of parents who went through what we are going through and that are learning to cope with the loss of a little angel like you.

I feel like the time is close. I feel like I will be meeting you real soon and as scary as that may be, I find myself really excited to see your little face. So come soon and stay for a while… enough for mommy and daddy to tell you how much we love you…"