About a month ago I went in for a regular check up. After the ultrasound, I could see in the eyes of my doctor some concern... She then explained to me my fluid was awful low!! She then insisted I would come back in the next day, early in the morning. Any mother I believe, can agree with me that this is a scary thought. I barely slept and the next day, went back to the hospital for the check up. It took some time and from the energy I was getting from the 4 doctors in the room, I could tell something was off. One of the ultrasound specialists then explained to me that baby Harlow hasn't developed kidneys!! It all fell like a bomb to me...I immediately began to cry... the room became dark and I felt alone... It was like that moment wasn't real, sort of like a dream I would be able to wake up from... Potter's Syndrome, it is a real rare disease and since it has been "discovered" doctors don't really know why it happens- they believe it to be genetic but have not many ways to prove it.. They asked us to wait for 2 weeks to go back and re-confirm the diagnostic. Those were probably the longest 2 weeks I have ever had to wait... I was so scared and in disbelief... Heath and I, accompanied by my mom, who then came to California to be a support to us, went back to the hospital where they confirmed it to be truth and explained that she would have no chances of survival- maybe 1%!! They suggested that we should think of an induced labor to terminate the pregnancy.. We, at that point, were obviously desperate and with not much hope but we knew in our hearts we should get a second opinion before making any major decisions.
My parents kindly offered to bring me to FL so I could be seen at Winnie Palmer Hospital. Winnie is a number two hospital for births in the nation.. The day after I arrived in Orlando, we went to the hospital. My mother and I spent the entire day there, back and forth from room to room and after hours of tests they confirmed what we already knew. They went on, telling us baby Harlow's lungs were real compromised. "The baby's kidneys are essential for the production of amniotic fluid in the womb. If there are no kidneys, there is little or no amniotic fluid (this is known as oligohydramnios) to expand the womb around the baby and to allow the baby to grow and move. The womb remains small and in its confined space the baby's lungs cannot develop properly. Many babies with Potter's syndrome are stillborn. In those who are born alive, the immediate cause of death is failure to breathe (respiratory failure) due to underdeveloped (hypoplastic) lungs."(Potterssyndrome.org) They assured us she has no chances of survival and after much research I understand the sad reality of what this disease entitles. At this point, the doctors won't induce me into early labor due to the abortion laws in the US... Abortion laws prohibit an induced labor usually after 22 to 24 weeks of pregnancy when there is a normal heartbeat. It was hard for me to accept that I would have to be pregnant full term. I had many days of feeling guilt and tons of anger- even towards God sometimes... I believe it to be normal and even though today I may have found strengh and a new way to look at it all, it is still hard and painful. I love to feel my little girl move inside my belly and it made that whole "butterflies in your tummy" a whole new meaning!! It is an amazing feeling to have her growing inside of me, despite all that is going on and I am often glad I am experiencing the most beautiful thing nature would've ever created. It is particular hard when people comment, and think my belly is so cute, and ask questions.. and we know that our little girl is practically gone without us being able to help her or save her.. You never think you're gonna go through anything like this in life!! I have always dreamt of being a mommy and now I need to figure out what to do with the stroller and all the million baby things we bought waiting for our little one... Sometimes in life we face situations we don't understand, don't know how to react or how to behave.. But we just do it- and we learn along the way... and we take some wrong turns and stir back and take some right ones... and life goes on... I am learning and for a few weeks there I wanted all to go away. Today I want to rejoice the fact I was blessed to be pregnant. I want to hope and pray one day I will be the mother I wish to be. Today, I want to look at my my daughter's face and say good bye, and thank her for being a part of my life, even if for just a second-I want to send her away to heaven with dignity and knowledge that her mommy will hold her in heaven on day ...
No comments:
Post a Comment