The Birth

It was around 2 am… Jack (lil chiwawa) and I didn’t sleep through the night anymore… I was awake, watching TV when I felt water running down my legs- it wasn’t very much so I felt it was really nothing. Later in the morning it happened again. I mentioned it to my mom calmly- “I think my water is broken”. My mom, a little freaked out at this point asked me to go shower and get ready… “We ARE going to the hospital!!” she said. We had some lunch and head to Winnie Palmer. I told Heath not to worry but that I was going to the hospital to check how things were. At around 4 pm that Sunday, the doctor walked into the room and told me I wasn’t going anywhere- my water was broken and I was going to have my baby. Immediately I called Heath and since the doctor told me was going to be a long, two day labor, we were going to have plenty of time to have him come to Florida to hold his little girl and to be with me. My mom was an amazing company- strong and put together. I was calm. I was only 1 cm dilated so I knew there was a long way to go. I was having contractions but that night they were mild and I didn’t feel a thing.

At around 7am, Heath arrived in Orlando. Was an amazing feeling to know he was here and since not much had changed at that point I told him to go home, shower and give Jack some love- they really missed each other since they have never been really apart. It was around 10 am when Heath walked through the door. I was nervous and excited to see him. We hugged and kissed for around 20 minutes. We played and cracked many jokes. At around 1pm the contractions started to really rise up. An hour or so later I finally asked for the epidural. I was really comfortable- I had no real pain and was just really waiting to dilate enough to start pushing. Baby Harlow was breech position (feet first) and I was scared of what the outcome could be but I didn’t want to have a C-section unless there was no other way out. Pitocin was being used to dilate my cervix since the contractions were really picking up at this point and our baby’s birth was close. At around 1:45am, 01/17/2012 the doctors woke me up- “It’s time!!” Wow, this was it… My arms and legs were shaking from all the body experiences at birth. I didn’t have much time to think of what was going but I knew I just had to be present and to do what I was supposed to do. Heath was right by my side and it was wonderful to have his love and support as he held my hand and caressed my head. Doctors and nurses were all in position and I knew it was time to be strong for myself, for Heath, for my parents and for baby Harlow. The doctors told me when to push- that’s all I did. I didn’t make any noises, I didn’t question it… I just focused and pushed. After 4 or 5 pushes I asked the doctors “Shouldn’t I do one of those movie pushes with the weird grows and screams??”- And I laughed. I had to crack a joke, after all that’s how Harlow knew me and that’s how I wanted her to know me- positive, happy and full of life. Her dad is not much different so of course he came with a joke of his own. “It’s like the Nascar pit stop here with everyone in position- so let’s just keep going.” The doctors laughed a little unsure. We kept going and in 3 or 4 more pushes baby Harlow was out. A silence overtook the room and I feared. I saw them take my baby away- there was no cry and immediately I began to cry. I looked at Heath and even though I could see the sadness in his eyes from seeing our baby without a breath, I saw deeper- there was a strong man and a proud father. He has had expressed some concerns and had mentioned before he didn’t want to see his daughter, since she wasn’t going to live. I never pressured him or wanted him to do anything all I knew was that I needed to hold my baby. But at that moment it all changed. They cleaned our baby girl and dressed her in her little owl outfit as I had requested in my birth plan. The nurses and doctors were so loving, compassionate and attentive through this entire process. Nothing like the care I was once receiving in California.

I got to hold my sweet girl. She was so beautiful. I was prepared for the very worst- a purple baby. She had rosy cheeks and beautiful full lips. I ran my hand through her face; I caressed her face over and over again as tears just ran down. I told her over and over how much I loved her. Then was finally Heath’s turn to hold her. He held her passionately as he cried. The photographer provided by the hospital came for some pictures. I knew her father didn’t want many pictures but I wanted to have a memory of the child I carried for 36 weeks and gave birth to. After all, I have felt her move inside of me, I have given her my body, and I have had conversations with her… we read books together; we walked on the beach… I loved her for who she was because I know she loved me for who I was. Heath walked away with Harlow and placed her in her little hospital “crib” for pictures. I was still a little out of it. He then pushed her bed next to mine so I could touch her little wrinkly hands. I still remember every crease on it. We spent about an hour all together with our pretty little girl. We had a chaplain come in and say a blessing over her… we said goodbye and finally handed her to the nurse. Heath lay in the bed next to me for the next hours to come. It all seemed so surreal after all was over… I must say I have never felt this kind of pain before, but in my heart I also felt this joy from holding such a beautiful baby in my arms- knowing I had given birth to her. What a privilege I had to hold my little girl in my arms. Saying goodbye hasn’t yet gotten easy and every day and I’m still battling with the thoughts I will only see baby Harlow again when I get to Heaven. I know in my heart she is well taken care of and I love that she will always watch over me and know that I loved her then, and I love her now.

We have chosen to take her ashes on a motocycle ride and as her father promised her...see the beach.We continue on with life because that is the thing to do...hoping this feelings and pain will ease into sweet memories. I am thankful I got my wish to meet my angel and to tell her how much I loved her- I see her little face everyday… knowing my angel now watches over me…