You think you are doing fine when you only tear up once or twice a day… when you hear an emotional song or see a cute baby’s face… And then the mail comes…
I opened the mail box and my stomach turned immediately. I knew exactly what was in that box. I opened it outside. Heath was in the living room working and I knew he was focused, and I didn’t want to distract or upset him. I open the white ups box and saw the little green bag and underneath it the documents that go with it. I then open the envelope and all I read was “the body of” I stopped there… quickly closed the box and rushed to my closet. I stood there for what seemed like hours- it was probably only minutes- and cried. I cried and cried. I didn’t want Heath to see me crying since he was so caught up in work he needed to finish. I kept telling myself over and over- “get yourself together… just get yourself together!” I washed my face and went to bed. Later that night I told Heath Harlow’s ashes were here. “Harlow is home!!”-he replied. I slept with tears running down my face. I still have a hard time looking at that little heart sitting on top of our dinner table. I still have a hard time thinking of that little beautiful face and how she is not here. I heard a motivational speaker said- “What is your goal in life? What do you really want??” I became really angry because all I could think is how the one thing I want in my life is to become a mommy. When I first learned I was pregnant, I became really scared..then the idea settled in and I started preparing for what I have wanted the most. So how can I not be angry sometimes? I even question God and even though I don’t always get the “why” and “how” I still thank Him for the lessons I have been learning. I feel some growth and strength in standing up, looking ahead and moving on. I hear new moms around me complaining their child won’t sleep through the night and all I can think is how I wish I had to rock my little girl all night long. I wish she was here. I wish she cried… and pooped and smiled for the first time and threw up…
I opened the mail box and my stomach turned immediately. I knew exactly what was in that box. I opened it outside. Heath was in the living room working and I knew he was focused, and I didn’t want to distract or upset him. I open the white ups box and saw the little green bag and underneath it the documents that go with it. I then open the envelope and all I read was “the body of” I stopped there… quickly closed the box and rushed to my closet. I stood there for what seemed like hours- it was probably only minutes- and cried. I cried and cried. I didn’t want Heath to see me crying since he was so caught up in work he needed to finish. I kept telling myself over and over- “get yourself together… just get yourself together!” I washed my face and went to bed. Later that night I told Heath Harlow’s ashes were here. “Harlow is home!!”-he replied. I slept with tears running down my face. I still have a hard time looking at that little heart sitting on top of our dinner table. I still have a hard time thinking of that little beautiful face and how she is not here. I heard a motivational speaker said- “What is your goal in life? What do you really want??” I became really angry because all I could think is how the one thing I want in my life is to become a mommy. When I first learned I was pregnant, I became really scared..then the idea settled in and I started preparing for what I have wanted the most. So how can I not be angry sometimes? I even question God and even though I don’t always get the “why” and “how” I still thank Him for the lessons I have been learning. I feel some growth and strength in standing up, looking ahead and moving on. I hear new moms around me complaining their child won’t sleep through the night and all I can think is how I wish I had to rock my little girl all night long. I wish she was here. I wish she cried… and pooped and smiled for the first time and threw up…
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