God's tests...

I've held it together for a month and a week.. when all of a sudden, I walked home and stared myself in the mirror- there was no bump.. no real tummy.. no baby moving inside. I kneed down by the bed and cried. I poured my heart out in a way I thought I was going to drown in my own tears. I realized how much I missed my little baby. There are days still when I have the feeling "this is not fair God!!". I was getting coffee before work one morning at the bakery across the street from the gym, and there was this beautiful little boy with his mom. He chose a chocolate cake and she had a cinnamon roll- I tried not to judge her but in my head I was thinking "What kind of mother feeds a 2 year old chocolate cake for breakfast??"- Maybe it was his birthday...I don't know but I found myself just standing there questioning God for his choices.. I had this ideas of being a mom- my child would probably have oatmeal, bananas, milk and granola for breakfast. Then today, I had a sort of an eye opening experience. My dad's friend read my blog on his facebook page and recently one of her friends mentioned that her daughter has Potter's Syndrome. They both asked me to share my story to support and maybe serve as some kind of hope to this mother who is going to lose her little baby as well. The first thing I told her was how much I loved carrying my baby Harlow and how special her birth was... As I told her my story, I couldn't point anything bad about it exept for the fact my little girl is now in Heaven instead of here, with me. I felt bad to blame it all to God, after all I had learned so much and have grown so much. In this life, as hard as it may be sometimes to exept, nothing happens by accident. I do strongly believe that we must cross over the steps in the road that were designed for us and through that, become better, stronger and more spiritual human beings. As hard as this may be, the truth and strengh may lay in the most painful moments we may experience- these will shape our character and make of us people of value, strengh and unconditional love.