The "art" of Grieving

Grieving is an interesting thing! I have never lost someone close besides my grandma.. But I think to lose grandparents is much more "expected" in the circle of life than losing a child... A baby... That's not how things should go- at least in the minds of the majority of all human beings. We are are first a fetus, then you are born.. baby, child, teenager.. You become an adult, have your own children, and they have their children... You watch all that life develop and then it's time to go.

When baby Harlow was born, she immediately passed away. I wasn't really sure how I was supposed to react to that, all I knew was that I was going to cry a LOT!! And I did. I cried for 2 days straight- with no breaks in between. Than as the days went on I found a little more strength to continue on.. Heath was amazing support and his way of seeing the great in all things have helped me to smile more, to laugh more and he allowed me to joke even in the worst moments of my pain!! So if you ask me how I am doing- I think I'm doing fine! I got a job that I love, I get to explore and to share my talents and my passion for my art... I picked up a second job to help with the finances since all my savings were used up in the four last months of my pregnancy when I had no longer emotional strength to continue with work... I have a stable healthy and loving relationship.. I became the "mommy" of the cutest little dog in the planet.. I have many friends...

So yeah, I think I'm doing ok. The hard thing is, I often feel guilt either way I choose to go... If I say I am doing good, going out, enjoying life, I so often feel as I should be crawled up into a ball in the very corner of my room- and I actually hear that from many people.. "If I were in your situations I would be a disaster right now- You are doing GREAT!!", they say. I then feel bad, as if I am not grieving "right". What most people don't often get to see is the dark moments when I am on my own.. and no one is around and I just cry. I get angry, mad, sad. I blame myself and God...

I have made few bad choices to find the ease into this whole grieving process. I have gotten drunk in a bar by myself. I have ran on the treadmill out of anger. I have gotten mad with Heath for no particular reason... All in hopes that the pain starts to slowly go away.

Being "fine" hasn't yet become second nature like once was and I have daily reminders through the changes in my body of what had just happened- "you had a baby"! There are so many things that no one tells you about pregnancy, so many crazy changes in your body and the time it takes to get it all back to normal again... I guess not many new mothers have time to think about those things when they are so busy caring for their new born... It was different for me though. I went through ALL the same things pregnant women go through, only now I don't have a cute face to stare at when things feel bad, scary, different... I think those are the dark moments for me... I am starting to learn and accept though that grieving is a process with no schedule or time frame... So I continue to move on and to give into my emotions hoping and praying it will all evolve when the time is right.