Button nose

I woke up yesterday morning and as I stood in the kitchen eating my breakfast I stared of into the hallway where I hung pictures of Heath and I as babies. When I framed those, a long time ago, I was hoping one day baby Harlow would look and see her parents- what they looked like when they were babies like her... 

I looked at myself at around one year old and thought "I was a cute baby with a cute button nose"- when it hit me "She had MY nose!!" I look a lot like my father... He had 4 children that looked exactly alike.. like him that is! Except, I was gifted with my mother's cute nose(at least I have always thought it was cute). I rushed to my phone app and placed the pictures of me as a child and baby Harlow and the tears rolled down my face as quickly as I can remember. I had my mother's nose... and my daughter, whom I've meet for only an hour or so had MY nose!! I was filled with joy... The very same gift my mother had once granted me I was able to pass along to my baby girl. These are the hard days.. the days I get to really feel inside and to realize she is not here with me... the baby who had my nose was only held by her mother for an hour or so... 

It has been 5 months and it hasn't gotten easier yet and I'm not even sure it will. I felt much stronger when Harlow was in my belly- she was moving! I knew she could feel my love for her.. I had to be strong. I remember when I was heading to the hospital. I was so scared of giving birth- everything was so unknown and not to say- I knew that would be the last few moments I would share with the baby I have waited and dreamed of for so long :( Birth was the most beautiful experience I have ever went through and I'm not sure anything in this world can top that... but for me, birth also meant saying goodbye. I have always been a very spiritual person and carried a very deep relationship with God but weeks after letting Harlow go I have became so angry. I have been so hopeless and so distant... I try- I really try... but most days it all seems bigger than me... It feels like swimming and not getting anywhere.. It feels like drowning... 

"Time will heal it all" and "Everything has a purpose and a reason" has such a different meaning when you are the one wishing you could kiss the button nose goodnight!