"It's a girl"

Most of our actions and reactions stem from either Love or Fear. I've carried this guilt in my heart for

4 years and I have not shared this with many people until now… But when the doctor said “It’s a girl” I began to cry- not tears of joy… At the time I thought they were tears of disappointment but in reality they were tears of fear. I grew used to the idea of having a daughter and began to love every minute of it. When we picked the name "Harlow" I was sold; It made me so happy.  When I found out Harlow had absence of kidneys and would die minutes after she entered the world I thought: “I did this. I wished for a boy. I was disappointed and God took her away.”

On January 15^th, James and I went to our first ultrasound. I was terrified. I wanted everything to be perfect and I wanted a BOY! I have always thought I would have 3 little boys. I was so used to this idea in my head that boys are tougher and easier to talk to. I envisioned myself getting dirty and playing sports or running after soccer balls. “It’s a GIRL!!” The disappointment sunk in yet again. Let me first explain all this so you are not just thinking I am a horrible person for not being exited right away about having a daughter. First and foremost I would like to just point out that when you are having a baby there are social “norms” and underlined expectations. It seems there is a way you must “act”- you must be exited and happy at all times, always grateful and trusting and avoiding at all cost any fears. You are “supposed” to gain a certain amount of weight and look a certain way. You become a petting zoo and all of a sudden everyone has an opinion on how birth or what the baby’s the first meal needs to be. Oh yeah, and people can randomly walk up to you and say things like “Man, you are huge”(even though I would never do that to another human). I think you get the picture here! 

No, I didn’t initially wanted a daughter and truth is, I was disappointed. I went home and began to think of why that was such a fear to me- why having a daughter scares me so much? Growing up I had a very difficult relationship with my mother. I currently don’t really speak with her and will probably not have her involved in my children’s life very much. I have been in therapy since I was a teenager and every session ends up in a discussion on why my relationship with my mother was always so rocky. My mother is a very strong, controlling and opinionated person. My love language is touch and this was always the biggest struggle of our relationship. As far as I can remember, maybe 5 years old or so, I don't have one memory of my mother holding me; even when I was sick or crying over a boy who broke my heart. She says she wanted to make me “tough” and strong.  She doesn’t hug much either nor has she ever spoken kind and softly with me and I don’t have too many memories of her ever saying “I love you” to me if any.  As a kid my mother didn’t have much. She was raised by a grandmother for a period of her life, that used to beat her up for no reason. They didn’t have a lot of money and at one point in her life she had to walk to school barefoot. So my mother after making something of herself wanted to, naturally, give me "everything"! I was the child in the prettiest dresses and bows. But I lacked the affection I needed. I didn’t want things, toys and clothes- I wanted affection. I craved affection all my childhood. She also made me incredibly insecure and in search of this perfection in which I could never obtain. If I accomplished something, anything… she would always want more. It seemed like it would be never good enough to her standards. She controlled my food, my clothes, my hair cuts… everything.

I ended up becoming very close to my father in reaction to the way my mother would treat me. That drove her insane. She used to be somewhat jealous of the relationship I had with my father and instead of reaching closer she would get tougher and tougher on me. As I grew older and began to have my own opinions our fights became worse and a lot more frequent. I would always hear her speak incredibly highly of me to her peers, but to me, “not enough”. She became really critical of my clothes, my makeup, my boyfriends, my tattoos, my career choices etc. Life was almost unbearable and at around 17 years old I left. I felt guilty because who doesn’t love their own mother? But every time I tried to get close to her again we would get into fights and things would just spiral down. She became incredibly codependent on me and me on her and our relationship was nothing but toxic. In my mid 20s after getting a divorce I became very depressed and a lot steamed from my relationship with her in my early years. It was almost like she took joy in watching me miserable. She would come over and control my food and my laundry and anything else she could. Once I gained some strength I left again.

When I found out about Harlow’s outcome at around 6 months into the pregnancy, I reconnected with her once again- I really needed some support. Things were terrible between us but I was so fragile I stayed and took the punches. At the hospital when Harlow was born and passed, she stayed in the room but did not hold my daughter- which at the time killed me. I knew I was done once again. 

I share all this not so you can feel sorry for me or even hate my mother (she is a beautiful woman, who like most of us battles her demons and that had things happen to her in which she did not choose), I share all this so I can find healing. My greatest fear is not of having a daughter- but not having a relationship with my daughter! My greatest fear is to overprotect her or to allow any of my own fears and insecurities leak into her personality causing her pain. I don’t want for her to feel this emptiness I feel inside when I think of a mother. And I always thought “boys are tougher and a lot less sensitive”! LOL

In addition to all this, I was abused (not to get into too many details) when I was 9. I am mortified I might not be able to protect my little girl from the craziness of this world. My parents were just too busy to ever notice anything was going on, and even when I shared this with them they didn’t seem to care too much about it. I carried this pain all my life and that is something I think I will never really understand nor forget.

In Buddhist religion is said if you do not go through something you are supposed to go through for healing and growth that very same thing will keep showing up in your life over and over again. So I am grateful I will have this little girl to teach me the next lesson and to help me deepen my healing process. When Harlow passed I felt somewhat a sense of relief but as I think about it now, I think I “need” a baby girl a lot more than I need a baby boy. I think wanting and wishing for a boy was somewhat a search for the easy way out- when what I really need is to go through this “challenge”. My daughter will help me become a better person, a mother, a woman- she will present me with all the challenges I must go through to understand myself... and Harlow actually has started a lot of that process for me. I am so grateful for the all those experiences and having Harlow has certainly made me much stronger person despite all the pain and struggles… I needed her to come to me so I could shift my life. And I have no doubt this baby will do this and more. As I write this, my heart is exploding with love for her for already teaching me…. My love is beginning to grow as she grows inside of me.