I had almost decided to not post a blog-post this time around... For several reasons- mostly because I get a lot of "pep-talk" from people that may not quite necessarily understand the reality of the pain I go through every 4 years. Don't get me wrong here please?! I really do appreciate and LOVE the support I receive!!!! It is just that sometimes writing here it may seem like I am being a cry baby for sharing my feelings- when in truth this is one of the only ways I have found comfort and some healing.

Second of all, this year I have dealt with some new feelings- an unbearable sense of guilt! My life is absolutely the greatest it has ever been, and I am certainly living a life beyond my wildest dreams!! A little over two years ago I was promised that if I took some simple steps and got sober I would have a life even better than I could dream of- and those promises are indeed truth and here! I am happily married to my soul mate and best friend AND we are expecting a new baby whose heart is beating strong... and whom I LOVE already more than the world itself!!!! 

So this year, as January approached I unconsciously promised myself when January 17th came around I was going to be strong and was going to keep it together. Two days ago I had a burst of anger... I felt so sad and angry- for no particular reason really... I even blamed it on the pregnancy hormones- but up on until this point I haven't felt this way and I am already 3 months in... So was it really just hormones? Or does my body and psych just somehow know this difficult date is approaching? I tried to cover it up... I tried to avoid thinking about it and I certainly remained away from posting about my first born daughter's birthday. It wasn't until yesterday morning when I really "fell apart" having to confess and share my feelings with my husband and now with the world. I tried- I wanted to be so tough AND just so strong, after all my life is wonderful and I have a happy baby swimming around my tummy AND what a great blessing that is!!!!! If you know me well you know I believe I was born to be a mother- I will quit any dream job(which I did), I will give up my career for uncertain period of time(which I did) to be a mom!! It is my calling- it is my passion. So why was I still so sad if I am living my dream? 

The truth is I don't think I will ever take lightly the fact my daughter, whom I carried and cared for 9 months died 2 minutes after she entered the world. I will never really be OK with the idea Harlow will never have birthday cake, or choose her favorite doll or dress up in a princess costume. So I did fall apart. And it is perfectly alright! As I was applying make up in the morning I looked at my husband and I began to weep. I cried over the fact my daughter can't be here and I can't love her today. I get that life goes on and I am so grateful everything turned out the way it did- I strongly believe there is a plan to everything- but what I won't do is: to ignore the fact that my baby girl is gone and that I miss her so much.. I think of my daughter every day and I still believe she is the most beautiful little "thing" I have ever laid eyes on. And I will no longer carry guilt or shame for falling apart when her birthday and mother's day comes around... And I will forever share my love for my very first born baby- the one who taught me what makes a mother- the unconditional love we feel for those little sweet beings!! I can't wait to share with new baby all I learned from their little sister who is now a little angel resting and playing in Heaven.