The 12th Step Promise

Up until really recently I didn't understand why Harlow came into my life only to stay for 9 months... I saw myself as "the victim" - pretty much as I have always seen myself ... One night, awake while the world slept, it dawn on me: I have longed/ I have called on her... I know this sounds kinda hippie, esoteric, spiritual and even crazy- but to me it made perfect sense. My soul longed for Harlow's presence... I called on her! Let me explain.

I have spent my entire life longing for something more.. In fact- in expectancy of something more- something other than this ordinary mundane day to day life! A life of meaning... beyond buying beautiful clothes, cars, a career, money & success! I traveled the world. I moved a TON. I chose an eccentric career path... and none of that really seemed to give me that fulfillment I seemed to be searching for. My desire to have children started early and I waited long enough until I finally desired Harlow so badly that she "showed up"- I had this misconception that motherhood would fulfill this emptiness I had inside of me. I even questioned if my desire for motherhood was simply a desire to love unconditionally! So Harlow showed up. After her death, I was feeling even more lost than before... In previous years I had tried moving, traveling, dating &  interesting jobs to find meaning.. this time was different- the pain seemed too much to carry and I would need something a tad bit stronger! I leaned on drugs and alcohol!! It was a wonderful past time while it lasted but two years of depression and addiction became too much even for an highly adventurous free spirited girl like me. In my worst lowest I was guided(not by choice then (LOL)) to a 12 step spiritual based program for living. I embraced it, not because I wanted it, but simply because at that point I had nothing else to lose- nor anything else to live for. I lost everything- my family, friends, car, job AND my sanity!

The 12th step guaranteed me an spiritual awakening. I stuck around because I had nothing else left! Little did I know- my life was completely transforming... molding me into a new human being... and better yet- giving me what I longed for all those years: finding God through finding myself! I am not perfect by ANY means and I also am learning that a spiritual experience is a growing thing... It is a process- an experience is a daily pursue of turning away from myself  and towards my spirit! I(by human nature) am selfish, self-seeking, self-centered, jealous, egotistic... But if I remain in a spiritual path of meditation and PRAYER I have a chance! I also have found my purpose- to love God and to love others! To practice kindness, truth, gratitude and peace in every situation. And that doesn't mean I will not hurt you or myself... It doesn't mean I will not disappoint you, to let you down, to fail you or myself.., It just means I am striving to move away from self & into the light!

I was recently faced with one of the hardest decisions of my life- to walk away from a place that I felt wasn't in alignment with my truth. I no longer believe in coincidences. I believe we are all here with a purpose to fill.. a legacy to leave behind. We are what we think about. We have the power to create our reality... and as I rest in these truths I am so grateful I got to hold my daughter in my tummy for 9 whole months and to hold her in my arms for the best couple of hours of my life! I would never be here to tell this tale if wasn't for my sweet Harlow coming to me and in this November(Thanksgiving) gratitude month I have her to be grateful for!