Surrendering.....

I spent most of my “wild” 20s years avoiding at all cost getting pregnant. I was pretty much preoccupied with my career as a circus performer, travelling, drinking and single life adventures! I was fairly ok with the way I was living even though in my very early 20s while I was married, I had a dream of a white picket fence home, 2 dogs and 3 kids running around. Once my divorce was finalized I subconsciously- or perhaps on purpose decided I was going to “live life as there was no tomorrow” which for an adventurous Sagittarius extremist meant I was literally going to live life to the VERY fullest! I traveled a ton… moved states at least 5 times and even lived overseas… I toured for a year straight (living literally out of a suitcase)!

When I found out I was pregnant with Harlow I was tired of running away and thought settling down with a man 12 years older than me was the perfect way to begin my new “family” life. Life is so much more than meets the eye. We can plan it, try to control it, try to manipulate it- but the reality is… life has more surprises for us than we can possibly imagine. Losing Harlow was losing me- and it turned out it was a greatest thing for my emotional, spiritual and overall growth.  Even though so much has changed I still seem to want to have it all figured out at times.  I want to know how to behave in situations that make me uncomfortable and I still feel a sense of guilt when I want something the way I want. I perhaps have this utopian idea that because I am doing the next right thing my dreams will happen as I want them and when I want them.

 I have been married for a little over two months and I want nothing more than a child. I have longed for motherhood for as long as I can remember and I am indeed having a hard time resting in the promise I will be a mom “someday”… Or as people like to say to me (and I want to scream by the way!) “It will happen when you are not expecting”, as if I will ever NOT expect such a thing.  Not only it seems I can’t get pregnant, I also am building a sense of resentment towards my step son. I love him to pieces- don’t get me wrong… this is a deeper emotional kind of feeling. It is hard to be in a relationship with anyone - nonetheless being in a parent figure relationship (where you are not the parent) of a 13 year old you know nothing about. He and his dad have a bond and a language that belong to the two of them- that I can’t ever feel a part of. I am sure it is normal and natural but no one really prepares you for this… just like no one prepared me to lose my baby girl… Or to the fact I wasn’t going to get pregnant right away… Or that I don’t have all the children I once dreamed of having! I find myself in this emotional closet wanting out! And worst I find myself guilty for having these feelings! I battle this place when I know I need to let go! Letting go is probably one of the hardest things I have learned in this last 3 years in my spiritual walk… more so, the ACT of letting go. I love this place of discovery and frustrations because I know these are mandatory steps into growth. It doesn’t always mean this place of growth is going to be easy nor pleasant! So I continue on… doing the next right thing… Getting to know more about myself and others… accepting challenges as they come… and surrendering-day by day, hour by hour and at times moment by moment……