Motherhood: LIFE!

It took me a year or so to ‘destroy’ my life after Harlow died and a little over 2 years to pick up the pieces. The beautiful thing about reaching bottom is that IF you recover, you are given a whole new life; and a whole new perspective you have never had before.

I recently got married to the most incredible man in the world. I also quickly became the step- mother (and full time mother) to a 12 year old boy. It has been quite a journey of growth and of reading tons of books on “teenagers” and “blended families” in order to give “my” boy my very best, respecting his boundaries and such.  The one thing I never thought was, how attached I would get to him and how quickly. I asked my husband one night “Do you worry and think about him all the time when he is not around?”- Because I do.  I have always LOVED children and have always been incredibly maternal. I would drop absolutely everything to have a child- and I have felt this way since I was fairly young. But recently many of my friends (if not ALL of them) have had children and many of them have posted/ shared their struggles with motherhood. To the point I became a little hesitant and “scared” about this whole journey. It seems to me like a lot of the focus is spent on the hardship of motherhood. Is it really that hard or are we using a super loaded communication era/ resources to express our “to me” state? A “to me” state of being is a place where you are a total slave to whatever is happening TO YOU… and you have to have everything ‘perfect’ happening to you so life is actually good. I can speak of this place because a few years ago my circumstances defined who I was and what I felt! And still today I battle, at times, with this idea of accepting that IT IS WHAT IT IS, regardless to how I see it. The thing about life is that your perception defines your reality. How I see- becomes my reality! And a lot of times- if not most of times we are living in so much fear that it is easier to focus on the negatives…  I seems normal now to spend the whole day complaining of what is “wrong” with the world.

I was strolling through Facebook one day and came across this woman who posted a photo of herself post-partum- she shared her struggles and pains and difficulties and even though I admire her courage for posting a post that became viral and popular real quick I would love to see posts about the beauty and the joy of motherhood. “Team no sleep” is now a hashtag- almost as in a (FEEL SORRY FOR ME) kind of statement... My grandmother had 9 children and I am pretty sure if she really hated the struggles of motherhood she would’ve probably have stopped at number 4(maybe?!)… I know that I felt so sorry for myself when I lost my little girl and I became an addict. And I wanted you to feel sorry for me- because I really didn’t know myself, I didn’t love myself and better yet I had no understanding of a true God. A God who had all plans perfect and in order. Today, 3 years later I look back and see that it was all worth it and that I AM A WOMAN- strong, powerful, loving & kind woman… I am a woman I love.

 My pregnancy wasn’t easy…I threw up for months nonstop. At 6 months I found out about Harlow’s condition and had to carry her full term knowing she was going to die as soon as she took her first breath. At around 8 moths into my pregnancy I chose her cremation place instead of her nursery and a celebration plaque to be hung amongst other children who had died at birth. I was in labor for 34 hours and delivered her naturally. Placenta was left in my uterus by mistake and I bled for 4 months after she was born. I was hospitalized several times anemic and fatigued- that also made my body “think” it was still pregnant so I produced milk insessively. My breasts were large and it was so painful I had to constantly ice it…. So I get it- the process is not always easy but the silver lining to all that was that I found LIFE. To me, that is what motherhood is… a serious of various strong hard tasks that lead us women to LIFE… at least that was what motherhood has done for me… It led me to: LIFE!!