Missing you

"Baby strollers, diapers, wonzies, little blankets, cribs, stuffed toys... There are just so many things that remind me of you... Life is good for the most part... But there are baby things everywhere I turn. :'(
Most days I manage to go along without the pain  but there is something I don't share with anyone- Everyday I thing about my baby who is gone! Everyday baby Harlow I see a glimpse of your face, I see your little hand I held so strong that night in that hospital bed when I knew, my angel, that would be the very first and last time I would ever hold your hand.
The pain of loosing you has gotten better indeed and the understanding and comfort has come to me from the Lord- then why, some days when in solitude, I still feel like this? My heart gets so tight, my body aches and my thoughts of that night rush through my mind over and over like a movie I want to cherish as well as to forget. So many mixed feelings come to mind when I thing of that night when you were born- how could a face so innocent and beautiful be taken away so soon? And even though I trust in the plans God has for me I still wonder why you are gone- more just for me...
I like remembering of my big ol' belly with you swimming and kicking me hard in it- those days, my precious baby, I will still cherish with joy!! It's interesting how everyone either expects you to be a mess, falling apart or to be a hero, a fighter in this sad sad story- but me, I'm a bit of both I guess. I am days of messy and I am days of indifference when it comes to you. I guess no one will really ever understand what it's like to watch their baby leave them... I can't tell you, my child, how many times the night you were born plays over and over in my head... I remember every minute of it...

I miss you. I really miss you today!

I wish you were here- I wish you were mine- I wish I could watch you grow up... I wish anyone could understand what it feels like and why it hurts so bad. I wish everyone would cherish their children everyday- giving hem all the love in the world... because I will never be able to do that to you Harlow... I will never hold you, read you stories, take you on rides, choose a school for you... I will never be at your birthday parties, will never give you 'boy advices', I will never be at your weeding...

I miss you! I really miss you today...

I will always miss you my child, my baby... my daughter"