Every day I look at my foot and I see your little foot print- it makes me smile... I remember the day you were born as it was yesterday... How I had you in my arms, the smell of baby you had, caressing your soft warm face- I remember how wonderful it felt to hold you close... I still remember how you kicked me while in my tummy and OH BOY, you kicked me... So much I was pretty certain you had enhereted some of my Brazilian genes! I don't like to be sad when I think of you because regardless to the fact you are living in Heaven now, you were the greatest thing that ever happened to me. You know Harlow, life is tough!! I remember I noticed right after you left me, I used to get the question, "Are you ok?" pretty much all the time. The interesting thing is that if I answered I was ok, people would question how could I possibly be doing ok when my daughter had just died. Now if I responded that I wasn't ok, people would often change subject and avoid to touch on the topic again- ever!! I began to fake my healing process and I become 'super woman' as I have done several times before in my life. I became a great liar. I was not ok at all and drinking was a great way to cope with my pain and to drown my sorrows. I knew that there was a problem but to admit was to go back again and to begin to grieve- it sounded awful to open those wounds again. I could see the scars all over, slightly peeling, still so fresh and I did not want to re open them... they seemed like they were going to heal at any moment. As I waited I drank. More and more each time. I very much knew it would all be there in the morning once I woke up but at the time it seemed so comforting, so calming and so soothing. My hands and feet would become numb, then my arms and legs; finally all my organs seemed to melt into the floor- where I woke up innumerous times. I liked to forget the pain. This cycle lasted for about a year. I lost friends, opportunities and the will for life. My struggles and my denial became greater than my will to succeed. I pushed this situation far too long. Until one day, I was driving home completely intoxicated and boom: a DUI!! I blamed God; I blamed my friends for letting me drive; and I blamed you Harlow. I blamed you because you left me. I hated God for taking my baby girl away so soon- after all, my only desire in this life is to became a mom.
That's when real healing began. Individual and group therapy began. Opening wounds began. I had to talk and to think about you with a clear head and in the very beginning, I hated it. I could feel everything. I cried so much that some days I wondered how can one have this many tears still left?! Healing is an exhausting process of digging into self and pulling out even the worst of our fears, insecurities and hurts. But through it all, I began to discover you. My baby, my daughter... I became less and less scared to share the memories of how I felt when I read books to you, with you still in my tummy. I was able to open up and to share, that I could not see chocolate anything without digging in, because you loved sweets. I began to hold your blanket more often and I was able to smell you in your little wonzie. I began to re-live in joy the moments I held you in my arm and though sometimes I am still in pain and I don't always understand, today I am able to say I am clear minded to feel what it's like... I no longer have the option of numbing myself and pushing you away from me. I embrace you Harlow Ka'alele as my own. You were my baby girl and you will always be.
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”- Rumi
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