Tears of joy & sorrow

I have always really enjoyed working with children. I never quite understood if we get along so well because we are mentally close in age, or if it’s because I find them so amusing, or just because I am fascinated by them and they can perhaps sense that… Either way I relate with children better than I have ever related to any adult. I remember wanting to be a mommy for, Oh Gosh, forever really…  After I lost Harlow, I began focusing more on performing jobs than I have ever before- maybe parts of me just didn’t want to deal with what working with children would now mean to me. I never clowned again after Harlow was gone- in fact clowning and my company “Medicine Of Laughter” sort of died soon after she was gone. I never really thought about clowning in children’s hospital again, as I had done for few years prior… I wonder if I was so consumed with fear of if I just hadn’t really gone through this mysteriously confusing process called grieving. About 3 weeks ago I got a new job- teaching kids recreational gymnastics… This time around working with little ones has been so different. Some days I just want to hold them as they were mine. I feel like holding them tight.  I feel this innate need to protect and to worry about each and every one of them- it’s different then I have ever felt before though… It is this strong feeling in my gut, mixed with joy and unconditional love. There is this “mom’s” sense that I feel when I am in charge of these children I barely know yet.

Is this it? Is this what being a mom is like?

As I was teaching a class this morning I mentioned to one of my co-workers that if Harlow was here today, I would be one of these parents, bringing my daughter to the gym. Wow- it’s incredible in my mind to think of myself as a mom but at the same time there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of baby Harlow. It’s a mix of emotions, feelings, anger, pain and joy in the fact that I gave birth to the most beautiful, perfect little face I have ever seen in this life time. No other face has made me so proud, so happy, so joyful, so scared and so emotional before… No one!
My mother and aunty then came to pick me up from work … On our way to dinner, as I shared how my day was and how cute some of my students are, I also mentioned the conversation I had earlier. A silence hit the car… I could hear the crickets!! Nothing- they literally sat in silence, in the car, for something like 10 minutes that certainly felt more like 10 hours. I noticed the change in the air and after all the silence my mom changed the subject completely, like I haven’t just shared a little piece of my sorrow. The hardest part about this whole "grieving thing"  for me,  is the fact I need to pretend like I haven’t lived the greatest moment in my life because it often makes others uncomfortable! The fact that most people feel “bad” about Harlow’s death and therefore they don’t allow me to share with them about the most perfect gift  I have ever received from God.  I will never be the same person again...  There is this weird disconnect between reality and fantasy- between what I lived and how I feel about Harlow not being here now- if that makes any sense at all. I know it all seems confusing but maybe that is why grieving is a process with no perfect formula. Maybe that is why missing someone is such a hard emotion to deal with- it is like wanting close and pushing it away at the same time. Or maybe it’s just something I will never really fully grasp, but for now… for today, I will share tears of joy and sorrow...I will choose to remember my little button nose baby girl...