They say a woman changes when she gives birth. Having Harlow changed me. Little did I know that her birth was going to be the beginning of my spiritual awakening. It's hard to believe it's been 3 years. Even harder to image how different my life would look like today if I had a toddler running around.... But as I heard too many times after she was gone- God has a perfect plan! I can assure you of that today. But 3 years ago I was way too ego-centered and angry to acknowledge this truth. I remember as if was today, holding Harlow in my arms, in that hospital bed... The room was silent. I had excessive amounts of tears rolling down my face... I was trying to comfort her- or so I though- I can see clearly now that I was just too scared to let her go. I wispered in her ear- "you are not ready to come into this cruel world yet sweet angel". I know now I was the one who wasn't ready.
I had spent a great amount of my life wressling with the ideas of being successful, being a performer, being famous in the performing/circus world, making money and on the far side of that, with this call within my soul to change the world, to be a catalysts of peace, a spreader of love, a giver of light and a servant! I have very seldom seen this ideas co-exist in my life. When I moved to California, across the street from the ocean, took a job in non-profit circus with Cirque du Solei and lived with whom I thought was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with, I thought I would feel complete. But there was an emptiness there still- and I couldn't quite comprehend it. Then I found out I was pregnant with Harlow! That was the most extatic moment of my life! I have never been a fan of tests- of any kind- but I still have all 3 pharmacy pregnancy tests I took! :) My pregnancy was not easy AT ALL but I loved every minute of it. After all I have dreamnt of this my entire life!! When I kissed Harlow goodbye in the hospital 3 years ago knowing it was the last time I was ever going to lay eyes on my daughter again I also kissed myself goodbye- at least for a while there! I surrendered myself to a deep depression for the next 2 years to come. I engaged in a "full time job" of being an addict... I was determined, with all my being, to destroy all I had left of myself. I was angry. Mad at God. Mad at myself and everyone else. I used Harlow's death as an excuse to self-injure and managed to loose everything! I found myself back in Florida living with my parents, completely unsure of the next step to take.
There is something so beautiful though that happens when one hits rock bottom. In the deepest, darkest and lowest bottom I had nothing- and that is an incredible place to be- because in that place, my ego was crushed and all I had was a desperation for God and for change. God listens to prayers- so be careful! Lol For the first time I truly opened myself to the experience of God. I entered the road of recovery- sobriety! I became a student of living a day at a time, being in the moment, being present & trusting. I learned this strange mathematical equation: when I focus on someone else/ when I help someone I feel better... I become better. I began to meditate and to be still. I discovered that my purpose is a lot simpler than I believed it to be for my entire existence- to love and to serve God & to love and to serve another human being! Life has become easier in the sence that when I "loose" myself- "I choose again". And today, it all comes to me- all that belongs to me comes to me just when and as I need them! I don't push- I sit back and trust in my creator... That same higher power who has walked with all along! I do miss my daughter- and I will always miss her. I also wonder sometimes what would life be like if she was here with me... But I will be forever grateful to her for the person I am becoming to today!

Happy third birthday Harlow... mommy loves you beyond measures!