Super-hero or super-human?

I always kind of envision myself being strong when mother's day comes around... instead I fall apart every time. This week I started off on a rough path. I woke up late on Monday morning and thought to myself- "Here we go"... I usually meditate and pray in the first hour of my day… I listen to audio books, inspirational text and I do some readings and quiet time... Not this Monday! This Monday I woke up running against the clock. I set myself up for failure early in the week by setting my mind up for failure. I also CHOSE to completely ignore the fact I was dreading this upcoming Sunday!! I chose to ignore the stirring and restlessness in my heart. This Sunday is Mother's Day! I completely lied to myself that this year(the 3^rd year), I was going to be strong and emotionally healthy because life has been wonderful in every way... but the more I listen to and read about Mother's Day the more sensitive I became about it. I found myself crying, very emotional and even allowed myself to get sick. 

 I totally get the whole “pep-talk” on “God has a plan” and the many comments:  “You now have an angel watching over you” or “You will meet her again”… The reality is though- she is not here right now and the pain at times seems unbearable. Unless you have gone through losing a child I am pretty certain you will never truly understand what the pain feels like. I feel  like I was robbed of my greatest dream- like I have been stripped away from the one thing my heart has longed for forever… I try to walk through life at times wanting to forget about my daughter but I can’t. The thought of her is a constant in my mind… I often dream about her and certainly wish she was here. It feels like a part of me will be missing forever… Like this void will always remain…

 My daughter came to me so I could grow into the woman I am today and for that I am forever grateful. Giving birth to Harlow has shaped me, made me stronger- and losing her has transformed me, softened me. The combination of strength and softness has given me a balance I longed for all my existence. I never understood balance before. I have always been an “all or nothing” thinker. I have always wanted more- out of life, of others and of myself. Losing my daughter has allowed me to enter this new universe of nothingness- where I, for the very first time, was humbled by God. My spiritual searching deepened and my longing for God has grown with the emptiness of my heart.

I hear it gets easier and indeed it did get a lot easier than the first year… but on days like Mother’s Day there is nothing I wish more than to have my daughter here… After all, i am not a super-hero.. I'm still just a "super-human"!