"It's a girl"

Most of our actions and reactions stem from either Love or Fear. I've carried this guilt in my heart for

4 years and I have not shared this with many people until now… But when the doctor said “It’s a girl” I began to cry- not tears of joy… At the time I thought they were tears of disappointment but in reality they were tears of fear. I grew used to the idea of having a daughter and began to love every minute of it. When we picked the name "Harlow" I was sold; It made me so happy.  When I found out Harlow had absence of kidneys and would die minutes after she entered the world I thought: “I did this. I wished for a boy. I was disappointed and God took her away.”

On January 15^th, James and I went to our first ultrasound. I was terrified. I wanted everything to be perfect and I wanted a BOY! I have always thought I would have 3 little boys. I was so used to this idea in my head that boys are tougher and easier to talk to. I envisioned myself getting dirty and playing sports or running after soccer balls. “It’s a GIRL!!” The disappointment sunk in yet again. Let me first explain all this so you are not just thinking I am a horrible person for not being exited right away about having a daughter. First and foremost I would like to just point out that when you are having a baby there are social “norms” and underlined expectations. It seems there is a way you must “act”- you must be exited and happy at all times, always grateful and trusting and avoiding at all cost any fears. You are “supposed” to gain a certain amount of weight and look a certain way. You become a petting zoo and all of a sudden everyone has an opinion on how birth or what the baby’s the first meal needs to be. Oh yeah, and people can randomly walk up to you and say things like “Man, you are huge”(even though I would never do that to another human). I think you get the picture here! 

No, I didn’t initially wanted a daughter and truth is, I was disappointed. I went home and began to think of why that was such a fear to me- why having a daughter scares me so much? Growing up I had a very difficult relationship with my mother. I currently don’t really speak with her and will probably not have her involved in my children’s life very much. I have been in therapy since I was a teenager and every session ends up in a discussion on why my relationship with my mother was always so rocky. My mother is a very strong, controlling and opinionated person. My love language is touch and this was always the biggest struggle of our relationship. As far as I can remember, maybe 5 years old or so, I don't have one memory of my mother holding me; even when I was sick or crying over a boy who broke my heart. She says she wanted to make me “tough” and strong.  She doesn’t hug much either nor has she ever spoken kind and softly with me and I don’t have too many memories of her ever saying “I love you” to me if any.  As a kid my mother didn’t have much. She was raised by a grandmother for a period of her life, that used to beat her up for no reason. They didn’t have a lot of money and at one point in her life she had to walk to school barefoot. So my mother after making something of herself wanted to, naturally, give me "everything"! I was the child in the prettiest dresses and bows. But I lacked the affection I needed. I didn’t want things, toys and clothes- I wanted affection. I craved affection all my childhood. She also made me incredibly insecure and in search of this perfection in which I could never obtain. If I accomplished something, anything… she would always want more. It seemed like it would be never good enough to her standards. She controlled my food, my clothes, my hair cuts… everything.

I ended up becoming very close to my father in reaction to the way my mother would treat me. That drove her insane. She used to be somewhat jealous of the relationship I had with my father and instead of reaching closer she would get tougher and tougher on me. As I grew older and began to have my own opinions our fights became worse and a lot more frequent. I would always hear her speak incredibly highly of me to her peers, but to me, “not enough”. She became really critical of my clothes, my makeup, my boyfriends, my tattoos, my career choices etc. Life was almost unbearable and at around 17 years old I left. I felt guilty because who doesn’t love their own mother? But every time I tried to get close to her again we would get into fights and things would just spiral down. She became incredibly codependent on me and me on her and our relationship was nothing but toxic. In my mid 20s after getting a divorce I became very depressed and a lot steamed from my relationship with her in my early years. It was almost like she took joy in watching me miserable. She would come over and control my food and my laundry and anything else she could. Once I gained some strength I left again.

When I found out about Harlow’s outcome at around 6 months into the pregnancy, I reconnected with her once again- I really needed some support. Things were terrible between us but I was so fragile I stayed and took the punches. At the hospital when Harlow was born and passed, she stayed in the room but did not hold my daughter- which at the time killed me. I knew I was done once again. 

I share all this not so you can feel sorry for me or even hate my mother (she is a beautiful woman, who like most of us battles her demons and that had things happen to her in which she did not choose), I share all this so I can find healing. My greatest fear is not of having a daughter- but not having a relationship with my daughter! My greatest fear is to overprotect her or to allow any of my own fears and insecurities leak into her personality causing her pain. I don’t want for her to feel this emptiness I feel inside when I think of a mother. And I always thought “boys are tougher and a lot less sensitive”! LOL

In addition to all this, I was abused (not to get into too many details) when I was 9. I am mortified I might not be able to protect my little girl from the craziness of this world. My parents were just too busy to ever notice anything was going on, and even when I shared this with them they didn’t seem to care too much about it. I carried this pain all my life and that is something I think I will never really understand nor forget.

In Buddhist religion is said if you do not go through something you are supposed to go through for healing and growth that very same thing will keep showing up in your life over and over again. So I am grateful I will have this little girl to teach me the next lesson and to help me deepen my healing process. When Harlow passed I felt somewhat a sense of relief but as I think about it now, I think I “need” a baby girl a lot more than I need a baby boy. I think wanting and wishing for a boy was somewhat a search for the easy way out- when what I really need is to go through this “challenge”. My daughter will help me become a better person, a mother, a woman- she will present me with all the challenges I must go through to understand myself... and Harlow actually has started a lot of that process for me. I am so grateful for the all those experiences and having Harlow has certainly made me much stronger person despite all the pain and struggles… I needed her to come to me so I could shift my life. And I have no doubt this baby will do this and more. As I write this, my heart is exploding with love for her for already teaching me…. My love is beginning to grow as she grows inside of me. 

I had almost decided to not post a blog-post this time around... For several reasons- mostly because I get a lot of "pep-talk" from people that may not quite necessarily understand the reality of the pain I go through every 4 years. Don't get me wrong here please?! I really do appreciate and LOVE the support I receive!!!! It is just that sometimes writing here it may seem like I am being a cry baby for sharing my feelings- when in truth this is one of the only ways I have found comfort and some healing.

Second of all, this year I have dealt with some new feelings- an unbearable sense of guilt! My life is absolutely the greatest it has ever been, and I am certainly living a life beyond my wildest dreams!! A little over two years ago I was promised that if I took some simple steps and got sober I would have a life even better than I could dream of- and those promises are indeed truth and here! I am happily married to my soul mate and best friend AND we are expecting a new baby whose heart is beating strong... and whom I LOVE already more than the world itself!!!! 

So this year, as January approached I unconsciously promised myself when January 17th came around I was going to be strong and was going to keep it together. Two days ago I had a burst of anger... I felt so sad and angry- for no particular reason really... I even blamed it on the pregnancy hormones- but up on until this point I haven't felt this way and I am already 3 months in... So was it really just hormones? Or does my body and psych just somehow know this difficult date is approaching? I tried to cover it up... I tried to avoid thinking about it and I certainly remained away from posting about my first born daughter's birthday. It wasn't until yesterday morning when I really "fell apart" having to confess and share my feelings with my husband and now with the world. I tried- I wanted to be so tough AND just so strong, after all my life is wonderful and I have a happy baby swimming around my tummy AND what a great blessing that is!!!!! If you know me well you know I believe I was born to be a mother- I will quit any dream job(which I did), I will give up my career for uncertain period of time(which I did) to be a mom!! It is my calling- it is my passion. So why was I still so sad if I am living my dream? 

The truth is I don't think I will ever take lightly the fact my daughter, whom I carried and cared for 9 months died 2 minutes after she entered the world. I will never really be OK with the idea Harlow will never have birthday cake, or choose her favorite doll or dress up in a princess costume. So I did fall apart. And it is perfectly alright! As I was applying make up in the morning I looked at my husband and I began to weep. I cried over the fact my daughter can't be here and I can't love her today. I get that life goes on and I am so grateful everything turned out the way it did- I strongly believe there is a plan to everything- but what I won't do is: to ignore the fact that my baby girl is gone and that I miss her so much.. I think of my daughter every day and I still believe she is the most beautiful little "thing" I have ever laid eyes on. And I will no longer carry guilt or shame for falling apart when her birthday and mother's day comes around... And I will forever share my love for my very first born baby- the one who taught me what makes a mother- the unconditional love we feel for those little sweet beings!! I can't wait to share with new baby all I learned from their little sister who is now a little angel resting and playing in Heaven. 

The 12th Step Promise

Up until really recently I didn't understand why Harlow came into my life only to stay for 9 months... I saw myself as "the victim" - pretty much as I have always seen myself ... One night, awake while the world slept, it dawn on me: I have longed/ I have called on her... I know this sounds kinda hippie, esoteric, spiritual and even crazy- but to me it made perfect sense. My soul longed for Harlow's presence... I called on her! Let me explain.

I have spent my entire life longing for something more.. In fact- in expectancy of something more- something other than this ordinary mundane day to day life! A life of meaning... beyond buying beautiful clothes, cars, a career, money & success! I traveled the world. I moved a TON. I chose an eccentric career path... and none of that really seemed to give me that fulfillment I seemed to be searching for. My desire to have children started early and I waited long enough until I finally desired Harlow so badly that she "showed up"- I had this misconception that motherhood would fulfill this emptiness I had inside of me. I even questioned if my desire for motherhood was simply a desire to love unconditionally! So Harlow showed up. After her death, I was feeling even more lost than before... In previous years I had tried moving, traveling, dating &  interesting jobs to find meaning.. this time was different- the pain seemed too much to carry and I would need something a tad bit stronger! I leaned on drugs and alcohol!! It was a wonderful past time while it lasted but two years of depression and addiction became too much even for an highly adventurous free spirited girl like me. In my worst lowest I was guided(not by choice then (LOL)) to a 12 step spiritual based program for living. I embraced it, not because I wanted it, but simply because at that point I had nothing else to lose- nor anything else to live for. I lost everything- my family, friends, car, job AND my sanity!

The 12th step guaranteed me an spiritual awakening. I stuck around because I had nothing else left! Little did I know- my life was completely transforming... molding me into a new human being... and better yet- giving me what I longed for all those years: finding God through finding myself! I am not perfect by ANY means and I also am learning that a spiritual experience is a growing thing... It is a process- an experience is a daily pursue of turning away from myself  and towards my spirit! I(by human nature) am selfish, self-seeking, self-centered, jealous, egotistic... But if I remain in a spiritual path of meditation and PRAYER I have a chance! I also have found my purpose- to love God and to love others! To practice kindness, truth, gratitude and peace in every situation. And that doesn't mean I will not hurt you or myself... It doesn't mean I will not disappoint you, to let you down, to fail you or myself.., It just means I am striving to move away from self & into the light!

I was recently faced with one of the hardest decisions of my life- to walk away from a place that I felt wasn't in alignment with my truth. I no longer believe in coincidences. I believe we are all here with a purpose to fill.. a legacy to leave behind. We are what we think about. We have the power to create our reality... and as I rest in these truths I am so grateful I got to hold my daughter in my tummy for 9 whole months and to hold her in my arms for the best couple of hours of my life! I would never be here to tell this tale if wasn't for my sweet Harlow coming to me and in this November(Thanksgiving) gratitude month I have her to be grateful for!

Surrendering.....

I spent most of my “wild” 20s years avoiding at all cost getting pregnant. I was pretty much preoccupied with my career as a circus performer, travelling, drinking and single life adventures! I was fairly ok with the way I was living even though in my very early 20s while I was married, I had a dream of a white picket fence home, 2 dogs and 3 kids running around. Once my divorce was finalized I subconsciously- or perhaps on purpose decided I was going to “live life as there was no tomorrow” which for an adventurous Sagittarius extremist meant I was literally going to live life to the VERY fullest! I traveled a ton… moved states at least 5 times and even lived overseas… I toured for a year straight (living literally out of a suitcase)!

When I found out I was pregnant with Harlow I was tired of running away and thought settling down with a man 12 years older than me was the perfect way to begin my new “family” life. Life is so much more than meets the eye. We can plan it, try to control it, try to manipulate it- but the reality is… life has more surprises for us than we can possibly imagine. Losing Harlow was losing me- and it turned out it was a greatest thing for my emotional, spiritual and overall growth.  Even though so much has changed I still seem to want to have it all figured out at times.  I want to know how to behave in situations that make me uncomfortable and I still feel a sense of guilt when I want something the way I want. I perhaps have this utopian idea that because I am doing the next right thing my dreams will happen as I want them and when I want them.

 I have been married for a little over two months and I want nothing more than a child. I have longed for motherhood for as long as I can remember and I am indeed having a hard time resting in the promise I will be a mom “someday”… Or as people like to say to me (and I want to scream by the way!) “It will happen when you are not expecting”, as if I will ever NOT expect such a thing.  Not only it seems I can’t get pregnant, I also am building a sense of resentment towards my step son. I love him to pieces- don’t get me wrong… this is a deeper emotional kind of feeling. It is hard to be in a relationship with anyone - nonetheless being in a parent figure relationship (where you are not the parent) of a 13 year old you know nothing about. He and his dad have a bond and a language that belong to the two of them- that I can’t ever feel a part of. I am sure it is normal and natural but no one really prepares you for this… just like no one prepared me to lose my baby girl… Or to the fact I wasn’t going to get pregnant right away… Or that I don’t have all the children I once dreamed of having! I find myself in this emotional closet wanting out! And worst I find myself guilty for having these feelings! I battle this place when I know I need to let go! Letting go is probably one of the hardest things I have learned in this last 3 years in my spiritual walk… more so, the ACT of letting go. I love this place of discovery and frustrations because I know these are mandatory steps into growth. It doesn’t always mean this place of growth is going to be easy nor pleasant! So I continue on… doing the next right thing… Getting to know more about myself and others… accepting challenges as they come… and surrendering-day by day, hour by hour and at times moment by moment……

Motherhood: LIFE!

It took me a year or so to ‘destroy’ my life after Harlow died and a little over 2 years to pick up the pieces. The beautiful thing about reaching bottom is that IF you recover, you are given a whole new life; and a whole new perspective you have never had before.

I recently got married to the most incredible man in the world. I also quickly became the step- mother (and full time mother) to a 12 year old boy. It has been quite a journey of growth and of reading tons of books on “teenagers” and “blended families” in order to give “my” boy my very best, respecting his boundaries and such.  The one thing I never thought was, how attached I would get to him and how quickly. I asked my husband one night “Do you worry and think about him all the time when he is not around?”- Because I do.  I have always LOVED children and have always been incredibly maternal. I would drop absolutely everything to have a child- and I have felt this way since I was fairly young. But recently many of my friends (if not ALL of them) have had children and many of them have posted/ shared their struggles with motherhood. To the point I became a little hesitant and “scared” about this whole journey. It seems to me like a lot of the focus is spent on the hardship of motherhood. Is it really that hard or are we using a super loaded communication era/ resources to express our “to me” state? A “to me” state of being is a place where you are a total slave to whatever is happening TO YOU… and you have to have everything ‘perfect’ happening to you so life is actually good. I can speak of this place because a few years ago my circumstances defined who I was and what I felt! And still today I battle, at times, with this idea of accepting that IT IS WHAT IT IS, regardless to how I see it. The thing about life is that your perception defines your reality. How I see- becomes my reality! And a lot of times- if not most of times we are living in so much fear that it is easier to focus on the negatives…  I seems normal now to spend the whole day complaining of what is “wrong” with the world.

I was strolling through Facebook one day and came across this woman who posted a photo of herself post-partum- she shared her struggles and pains and difficulties and even though I admire her courage for posting a post that became viral and popular real quick I would love to see posts about the beauty and the joy of motherhood. “Team no sleep” is now a hashtag- almost as in a (FEEL SORRY FOR ME) kind of statement... My grandmother had 9 children and I am pretty sure if she really hated the struggles of motherhood she would’ve probably have stopped at number 4(maybe?!)… I know that I felt so sorry for myself when I lost my little girl and I became an addict. And I wanted you to feel sorry for me- because I really didn’t know myself, I didn’t love myself and better yet I had no understanding of a true God. A God who had all plans perfect and in order. Today, 3 years later I look back and see that it was all worth it and that I AM A WOMAN- strong, powerful, loving & kind woman… I am a woman I love.

 My pregnancy wasn’t easy…I threw up for months nonstop. At 6 months I found out about Harlow’s condition and had to carry her full term knowing she was going to die as soon as she took her first breath. At around 8 moths into my pregnancy I chose her cremation place instead of her nursery and a celebration plaque to be hung amongst other children who had died at birth. I was in labor for 34 hours and delivered her naturally. Placenta was left in my uterus by mistake and I bled for 4 months after she was born. I was hospitalized several times anemic and fatigued- that also made my body “think” it was still pregnant so I produced milk insessively. My breasts were large and it was so painful I had to constantly ice it…. So I get it- the process is not always easy but the silver lining to all that was that I found LIFE. To me, that is what motherhood is… a serious of various strong hard tasks that lead us women to LIFE… at least that was what motherhood has done for me… It led me to: LIFE!!

It all started with a “long time ago” kind of dream

I wished, prayed and desired you

And one early morning as I got sick I though

“Here we go!!”

I will finally get to hold my own little one…

What would you look like?

Would you have my button nose?

I shall wait and see

But at six months, already feeling your kicks and leaps

I discovered this journey of you and I wouldn’t be long

I went from choosing your little room décor

To deciding whether or not to have a burial

You still danced in my belly strong

 And I read you Dr. Seuss books

We took walks on the beach daily

And ate tons of ice cream

My greatest fear in having you was letting you go

After all in my tummy you were safe

I sat still knowing God had a plan

But I will miss you everyday

Giving birth will never compare to anything else in this life

And holding you was worth every minute of it

You left too soon

With an emptiness in my heart I stayed

You were the greatest thing I had happen to me Harlow Ka’alele

And you will always be my first born

There is not a day I don’t wish you were here

This mother’s day I send you my love

Why, why did you have to go?

That I will never really know

But the hour I spent with you

Was the greatest hour of my life

I wish I could watch you grow…

Play with you…

And teach you all I know

But I know you are with God and I must let you go

I desire to be someone’s mom someday.

But don’t worry little one

You will always be my first one

The one who showed me the woman I could be

I am forever grateful I met u my angel

You shaped me in every way

One day I will meet you again

And will give you the tightest hug one could ever give away

Until we meet again

I pray you play in heaven’s grounds

As your mother, I will always worry about you

You are in great hands and with that I leave you to be happy and FREE

Super-hero or super-human?

I always kind of envision myself being strong when mother's day comes around... instead I fall apart every time. This week I started off on a rough path. I woke up late on Monday morning and thought to myself- "Here we go"... I usually meditate and pray in the first hour of my day… I listen to audio books, inspirational text and I do some readings and quiet time... Not this Monday! This Monday I woke up running against the clock. I set myself up for failure early in the week by setting my mind up for failure. I also CHOSE to completely ignore the fact I was dreading this upcoming Sunday!! I chose to ignore the stirring and restlessness in my heart. This Sunday is Mother's Day! I completely lied to myself that this year(the 3^rd year), I was going to be strong and emotionally healthy because life has been wonderful in every way... but the more I listen to and read about Mother's Day the more sensitive I became about it. I found myself crying, very emotional and even allowed myself to get sick. 

 I totally get the whole “pep-talk” on “God has a plan” and the many comments:  “You now have an angel watching over you” or “You will meet her again”… The reality is though- she is not here right now and the pain at times seems unbearable. Unless you have gone through losing a child I am pretty certain you will never truly understand what the pain feels like. I feel  like I was robbed of my greatest dream- like I have been stripped away from the one thing my heart has longed for forever… I try to walk through life at times wanting to forget about my daughter but I can’t. The thought of her is a constant in my mind… I often dream about her and certainly wish she was here. It feels like a part of me will be missing forever… Like this void will always remain…

 My daughter came to me so I could grow into the woman I am today and for that I am forever grateful. Giving birth to Harlow has shaped me, made me stronger- and losing her has transformed me, softened me. The combination of strength and softness has given me a balance I longed for all my existence. I never understood balance before. I have always been an “all or nothing” thinker. I have always wanted more- out of life, of others and of myself. Losing my daughter has allowed me to enter this new universe of nothingness- where I, for the very first time, was humbled by God. My spiritual searching deepened and my longing for God has grown with the emptiness of my heart.

I hear it gets easier and indeed it did get a lot easier than the first year… but on days like Mother’s Day there is nothing I wish more than to have my daughter here… After all, i am not a super-hero.. I'm still just a "super-human"!