They say a woman changes when she gives birth. Having Harlow changed me. Little did I know that her birth was going to be the beginning of my spiritual awakening. It's hard to believe it's been 3 years. Even harder to image how different my life would look like today if I had a toddler running around.... But as I heard too many times after she was gone- God has a perfect plan! I can assure you of that today. But 3 years ago I was way too ego-centered and angry to acknowledge this truth. I remember as if was today, holding Harlow in my arms, in that hospital bed... The room was silent. I had excessive amounts of tears rolling down my face... I was trying to comfort her- or so I though- I can see clearly now that I was just too scared to let her go. I wispered in her ear- "you are not ready to come into this cruel world yet sweet angel". I know now I was the one who wasn't ready.
I had spent a great amount of my life wressling with the ideas of being successful, being a performer, being famous in the performing/circus world, making money and on the far side of that, with this call within my soul to change the world, to be a catalysts of peace, a spreader of love, a giver of light and a servant! I have very seldom seen this ideas co-exist in my life. When I moved to California, across the street from the ocean, took a job in non-profit circus with Cirque du Solei and lived with whom I thought was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with, I thought I would feel complete. But there was an emptiness there still- and I couldn't quite comprehend it. Then I found out I was pregnant with Harlow! That was the most extatic moment of my life! I have never been a fan of tests- of any kind- but I still have all 3 pharmacy pregnancy tests I took! :) My pregnancy was not easy AT ALL but I loved every minute of it. After all I have dreamnt of this my entire life!! When I kissed Harlow goodbye in the hospital 3 years ago knowing it was the last time I was ever going to lay eyes on my daughter again I also kissed myself goodbye- at least for a while there! I surrendered myself to a deep depression for the next 2 years to come. I engaged in a "full time job" of being an addict... I was determined, with all my being, to destroy all I had left of myself. I was angry. Mad at God. Mad at myself and everyone else. I used Harlow's death as an excuse to self-injure and managed to loose everything! I found myself back in Florida living with my parents, completely unsure of the next step to take.
There is something so beautiful though that happens when one hits rock bottom. In the deepest, darkest and lowest bottom I had nothing- and that is an incredible place to be- because in that place, my ego was crushed and all I had was a desperation for God and for change. God listens to prayers- so be careful! Lol For the first time I truly opened myself to the experience of God. I entered the road of recovery- sobriety! I became a student of living a day at a time, being in the moment, being present & trusting. I learned this strange mathematical equation: when I focus on someone else/ when I help someone I feel better... I become better. I began to meditate and to be still. I discovered that my purpose is a lot simpler than I believed it to be for my entire existence- to love and to serve God & to love and to serve another human being! Life has become easier in the sence that when I "loose" myself- "I choose again". And today, it all comes to me- all that belongs to me comes to me just when and as I need them! I don't push- I sit back and trust in my creator... That same higher power who has walked with all along! I do miss my daughter- and I will always miss her. I also wonder sometimes what would life be like if she was here with me... But I will be forever grateful to her for the person I am becoming to today!

Happy third birthday Harlow... mommy loves you beyond measures!

Birthday girl

Recently I asked my mother, "why didn't you ever read a book to me?"! Her response was short and dry, as a her emotions, "your dad read to you sometimes", as someone who says, "isn't that enough to you?".

 One of the reasons I dream of being a mother is so that I can share life with my child empowering them to become incredible human beings who are responsible for the changes we all wish to see in this great big world. I feel this so strong that somehow keeping this blog alive in Harlow's memory makes me feel closer to her; that giving others words somehow keeps me connected to my little angel. I feel as if she somehow can read and/or hear through the words written here how much I love her and how much I wish she was still here with me. Harlow made me a mom and I daily see those traits. As I work with little ones, I'm so often reminded of her. I feel a responsibility in carrying for children's well being and development even stronger than I felt before. I've always known I've had a mother's heart but having Harlow has certainly enhanced those feelings within me. The more I work with children the more I realize the importance of what they represent to the world.

I recently engaged in a conversation with a friend and parent. I was sort of sharing my feelings and thoughts about reasons why people have children. I came up with 3 main reasons (in my opinion).

Couples sometimes decide to have children somewhat due to what society determines. Once you are married, you are supposed to start a family right?! That, at times just feels like the right thing to do. Procreation- the reason a man and a woman come together in marriage and a way they share and express their love towards one another.

Then there are the ones who have children as a selfish act. "I want a child to love. To have, to share and to receive the love I have never gotten from my parents" or something kind of like that. The ones who are "all about me", "my child", "my family".... I guess you can get the point here?!

I do believe strongly we were designed to procreate. but beyond that I believe there is a greater power and a greater responsibility in having children. It is a believe in a better world... in the cure for cancer, HIV and many more... Is the hope and faith in a better world. It may seem a little utopic and I AM an idealist- I believe in all those things I just wrote about. When someone says to me "I don't care/ or it's not my problem- that's not MY child" I feel like jumping on their necks. It IS our responsibility. Children will become what we shape them into- and we are people designed to live in community with one another and children are the most beautiful expression of that. Children know how to love, they don't discriminate, they are honest, and real, and kind. Children are the greatest creation, the miracle of life and the hope for the future.

Harlow was unplanned but NEVER she was unwanted. And I want her to know this daily. Two years ago I conquered the biggest challenge of my life. I was blessed with the greatest, most empowering and most life changing experience in my entire life. I gave birth to the most precious little itty bitty thing I have ever laid my eyes on... and that triggered in me a passion for children and for the future like I have never felt before. I am daily grateful I was blessed with the gift of giving birth and if you ask me if I would do it again, my response would be: ABSOLUTELY!! Nothing compares to giving birth and I pray God grants me the ability to do it again and most importantly that He continues to shape me into the mother I dream of becoming!! My life will certainly never be the same and I am so beyond grateful- Harlow has changed the course of my story and I am exited to one day meet with her again... but I know, my story here is not yet finished... I will never forget that little face, or the kicks in my belly, or how happy I felt that day I found out I was pregnant but I know there is a reason to everything in this world and I would love to share that Harlow's life was NOT in vain!!!!!!! I love my baby girl- and she will forever live in my heart... Happy 2 years old my angel.......

Tears of joy & sorrow

I have always really enjoyed working with children. I never quite understood if we get along so well because we are mentally close in age, or if it’s because I find them so amusing, or just because I am fascinated by them and they can perhaps sense that… Either way I relate with children better than I have ever related to any adult. I remember wanting to be a mommy for, Oh Gosh, forever really…  After I lost Harlow, I began focusing more on performing jobs than I have ever before- maybe parts of me just didn’t want to deal with what working with children would now mean to me. I never clowned again after Harlow was gone- in fact clowning and my company “Medicine Of Laughter” sort of died soon after she was gone. I never really thought about clowning in children’s hospital again, as I had done for few years prior… I wonder if I was so consumed with fear of if I just hadn’t really gone through this mysteriously confusing process called grieving. About 3 weeks ago I got a new job- teaching kids recreational gymnastics… This time around working with little ones has been so different. Some days I just want to hold them as they were mine. I feel like holding them tight.  I feel this innate need to protect and to worry about each and every one of them- it’s different then I have ever felt before though… It is this strong feeling in my gut, mixed with joy and unconditional love. There is this “mom’s” sense that I feel when I am in charge of these children I barely know yet.

Is this it? Is this what being a mom is like?

As I was teaching a class this morning I mentioned to one of my co-workers that if Harlow was here today, I would be one of these parents, bringing my daughter to the gym. Wow- it’s incredible in my mind to think of myself as a mom but at the same time there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of baby Harlow. It’s a mix of emotions, feelings, anger, pain and joy in the fact that I gave birth to the most beautiful, perfect little face I have ever seen in this life time. No other face has made me so proud, so happy, so joyful, so scared and so emotional before… No one!
My mother and aunty then came to pick me up from work … On our way to dinner, as I shared how my day was and how cute some of my students are, I also mentioned the conversation I had earlier. A silence hit the car… I could hear the crickets!! Nothing- they literally sat in silence, in the car, for something like 10 minutes that certainly felt more like 10 hours. I noticed the change in the air and after all the silence my mom changed the subject completely, like I haven’t just shared a little piece of my sorrow. The hardest part about this whole "grieving thing"  for me,  is the fact I need to pretend like I haven’t lived the greatest moment in my life because it often makes others uncomfortable! The fact that most people feel “bad” about Harlow’s death and therefore they don’t allow me to share with them about the most perfect gift  I have ever received from God.  I will never be the same person again...  There is this weird disconnect between reality and fantasy- between what I lived and how I feel about Harlow not being here now- if that makes any sense at all. I know it all seems confusing but maybe that is why grieving is a process with no perfect formula. Maybe that is why missing someone is such a hard emotion to deal with- it is like wanting close and pushing it away at the same time. Or maybe it’s just something I will never really fully grasp, but for now… for today, I will share tears of joy and sorrow...I will choose to remember my little button nose baby girl...

Light entering in...

Every day I look at my foot and I see your little foot print- it makes me smile... I remember the day you were born as it was yesterday... How I had you in my arms, the smell of baby you had, caressing your soft warm face- I remember how wonderful it felt to hold you close... I still remember how you kicked me while in my tummy and OH BOY, you kicked me... So much I was pretty certain you had enhereted some of my Brazilian genes! I don't like to be sad when I think of you because regardless to the fact you are living in Heaven now, you were the greatest thing that ever happened to me. You know Harlow, life is tough!! I remember I noticed right after you left me, I used to get the question, "Are you ok?" pretty much all the time. The interesting thing is that if I answered I was ok, people would question how could I possibly be doing ok when my daughter had just died. Now if I responded that I wasn't ok, people would often change subject and avoid to touch on the topic again- ever!! I began to fake my healing process and I become 'super woman' as I have done several times before in my life. I became a great liar. I was not ok at all and drinking was a great way to cope with my pain and to drown my sorrows. I knew that there was a problem but to admit was to go back again and to begin to grieve- it sounded awful to open those wounds again. I could see the scars all over, slightly peeling, still so fresh and I did not want to re open them... they seemed like they were going to heal at any moment. As I waited I drank. More and more each time. I very much knew it would all be there in the morning once I woke up but at the time it seemed so comforting, so calming and so soothing. My hands and feet would become numb, then my arms and legs; finally all my organs seemed to melt into the floor- where I woke up innumerous times. I liked to forget the pain. This cycle lasted for about a year. I lost friends, opportunities and the will for life. My struggles and my denial became greater than my will to succeed. I pushed this situation far too long. Until one day, I was driving home completely intoxicated and boom: a DUI!! I blamed God; I blamed my friends for letting me drive; and I blamed you Harlow. I blamed you because you left me. I hated God for taking my baby girl away so soon- after all, my only desire in this life is to became a mom.

That's when real healing began. Individual and group therapy began. Opening wounds began. I had to talk and to think about you with a clear head and in the very beginning, I hated it. I could feel everything. I cried so much that some days I wondered how can one have this many tears still left?! Healing is an exhausting process of digging into self and pulling out even the worst of our fears, insecurities and hurts. But through it all, I began to discover you. My baby, my daughter... I became less and less scared to share the memories of how I felt when I read books to you, with you still in my tummy. I was able to open up and to share, that I could not see chocolate anything without digging in, because you loved sweets. I began to hold your blanket more often and I was able to smell you in your little wonzie. I began to re-live in joy the moments I held you in my arm and though sometimes I am still in pain and I don't always understand, today I am able to say I am clear minded to feel what it's like... I no longer have the option of numbing myself and pushing you away from me. I embrace you Harlow Ka'alele as my own. You were my baby girl and you will always be.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”- Rumi

Missing you

"Baby strollers, diapers, wonzies, little blankets, cribs, stuffed toys... There are just so many things that remind me of you... Life is good for the most part... But there are baby things everywhere I turn. :'(
Most days I manage to go along without the pain  but there is something I don't share with anyone- Everyday I thing about my baby who is gone! Everyday baby Harlow I see a glimpse of your face, I see your little hand I held so strong that night in that hospital bed when I knew, my angel, that would be the very first and last time I would ever hold your hand.
The pain of loosing you has gotten better indeed and the understanding and comfort has come to me from the Lord- then why, some days when in solitude, I still feel like this? My heart gets so tight, my body aches and my thoughts of that night rush through my mind over and over like a movie I want to cherish as well as to forget. So many mixed feelings come to mind when I thing of that night when you were born- how could a face so innocent and beautiful be taken away so soon? And even though I trust in the plans God has for me I still wonder why you are gone- more just for me...
I like remembering of my big ol' belly with you swimming and kicking me hard in it- those days, my precious baby, I will still cherish with joy!! It's interesting how everyone either expects you to be a mess, falling apart or to be a hero, a fighter in this sad sad story- but me, I'm a bit of both I guess. I am days of messy and I am days of indifference when it comes to you. I guess no one will really ever understand what it's like to watch their baby leave them... I can't tell you, my child, how many times the night you were born plays over and over in my head... I remember every minute of it...

I miss you. I really miss you today!

I wish you were here- I wish you were mine- I wish I could watch you grow up... I wish anyone could understand what it feels like and why it hurts so bad. I wish everyone would cherish their children everyday- giving hem all the love in the world... because I will never be able to do that to you Harlow... I will never hold you, read you stories, take you on rides, choose a school for you... I will never be at your birthday parties, will never give you 'boy advices', I will never be at your weeding...

I miss you! I really miss you today...

I will always miss you my child, my baby... my daughter"

 

Mother's Day gift

"Dear Baby Harlow

Tomorrow is Mother's Day on earth... I'm not too sure if Heaven has the same calendar but if so, I want you to know there has never been a greater feeling in the world but to be your mother- to have given birth to the most beautiful baby I have ever laid my eyes on... I have never been able to forget about you- actually there isn't a single day I go by without thinking about the hour I held you in my arms... Your perfect little skin- rose cheeks, button nose... Your tiny fingers!!
I have been drowning closer to God once again- I guess I have learned to let go of the anger of having to let you go....
 I have always thought of you as a little baby even though you are growing up there. Today something supernatural happened- I saw you... You were no longer a baby... You were a little 1 year old little girl wearing a flowery dress...it brought me to tears- lots of them- a mix of sad and happy tears. I remembered one of the letters I wrote you once... I am so glad you are growing up and one day I pray you became a beautiful woman. I won't be there to guide you but there are some things I would love for you to know. I know one day you will be a teenager and will probably look down on me and say "oh mom, come on!", but this is my job Harlow... To guide you- that's what good mothers do. I never had that with your grandma and I would hate for you to feel that way about me. Know that I care, I love you and only want the beat for you!!
 I want to tell you to be a child for as long as you can. Enjoy your childhood- adulthood is NOT as exiting as you may think.. Play outside as much as you can... Don't waste your days in front of a black box called the TV- it will only make you dumb- listen to mommy: the best lessons in life are the ones we experience!!
 Be kind to others- kids can be mean but don't down yourself into that level- always be the better person by being loving and kind. Respect the elderly!!
When teenagehood come around, all things will change. You are going to be moody sometimes- hormones honey- totally normal but don't get caught up on silly stuff.
Don't smoke- it tastes bad, smells bad and it is very expensive. You will get drunk in your teenage days- and I hope you do, once, so that you learn it's not something you wanna make a habit out of. You will meet guys- some nice, some of them not as much... But when it comes the day you choose the man you will marry, make sure you are the apple of his eye, the center of his universe!! I won't be there on your weeding day but I will guide you to make the best decisions...
Grandma Darcy is an incredible godly woman and she lives up in Heaven- I hope you get to connect with her so she can help and guide you as you grow up...

Baby girl, I still can't wrap my head around the fact you are a lil toddler already but "seeing" you today has fulfilled my heart... I ask God I can have more of those visions of you... But for now I will guide you through my heart and thoughts... Thank you for giving me the greatest gift I have ever had- being a mother!! I love you and will miss you for as long as I live- and until that day we meet again my angel......."

Love Mom 

A mother's letter

It's been a lil while since I have last checked in but I really enjoyed writing Harlow a letter... It almost felt to me as she could really hear me.. I felt closer to her in a way, so I may be writing her more letters from now on...

"Hi my love,

It's been a little while since I last wrote you. I was driving home today and I just kinda though of you- not that I don't constantly think of you! :) Life has been crazy lately and I have picking up the pieces... Losing you, as I have said so many times before was the most painful thing I have ever went through. You are my precious jewel and will live in my heart forever.

Your first birthday was just a couple months ago... While most parents prepare their children's first birthday party with themes, food, costumes and balloons, I got to go visit your lil plaque. We had put a lil plaque in memory of you. I sat on the bench by it for about one hour or so; I wanted to stay longer but it was just too painful. I constantly wonder what a wonderful litlle lady you are becoming up in heaven. There are so many things I wanna tell you and so many things I wish I could show you but you and I both know life doesn't quite work the way we want it to be.

I spend some time looking at pictures today of what a wonderful life I have had so far and of all the experiences, none of them compare to giving birth to you. It is such am incredible feeling to be able to "bake"a little human inside of your tummy.. Watch it grow daily... Feel all the motions, moves and warmth that a baby brings. I guess that is what makes me still feel like I am a mother to you- even though I only held you for a day...

Things have been changing quite a bit for me lately. Most professionatly so I won't bore you with details- I am pretty sure you get to play tons in Heaven. I would love if you would write down your experiences so that one day we can share them...It's the weirdest feeling in the world but I have never been the same after you left me. My heart has yet not healed completely and to be quite honest lil angel, I'm not even sure if it ever will. But I know one day we will meet again and the happiest day of my life will be when I get to have you in my arms.

I did wanted to tell you I got a little puppy dog. His name is Sebastian. He is super adorable- it helps me fill the void a bit from not having you here. My love life has been non-existent lately and it seems like it's going to be a WHILE before I can give you a baby sister or brother. Meanwhile I just keep busy with work and all this dreams I have for me and for you my daughter. I hope that you are recieving all the guidence you need and that you are growning up to be a fine little lady with manners, respect for others and most importantly lots of love in your heart.

Remember, you DO have a mommy, she just can be close to you right now but please know you can reach out to me any time you need me. I will always be here for you my lovely angel.

Love Mom"